and at the end of the day, in your arms is the only place i want to be.

I had been doing so well until this. Hearing that I've put on weight after london amused me at first and i accepted it - i mean yeah la i ate so much. But now, i'm in bed in tears and feeling absolutely hopeless because i can't exercise or rather am not ABLE enough to, and i can't do anything about this immediately. Plus school is starting next week and it is just going to be harder. 

tbh after hearing that, i don't quite know what to think. I pretended it didn't hurt/didn't affect me/i've heard it a lot of times before (though very obviously in a joking manner)... but hmmm. How is it that you can be so close to someone...but in that moment....i felt far. 

felt really bad yesterday. it was like i just wasn't myself. Didn't want to talk to people, got easily irritated, was tired but still had to study, skipped mass and felt bad, and andrew hardly spoke to me cuz he was busy with his competition prep all day and just generally felt super sian. I have such days. The last I remember, even though that was far worse, was in july last year when i was just so emotionally drained. This time, I just felt like there were too many things going on in my head - I just wanted to block everything out and be alone.

Andrew sensed it. I guess its easy to because my curt replies weren't even the type of replies I give when I'm plainly tired. And its futile trying to hide it from him, and not like I really want to because I'm usually honest when I'm upset etc etc.

So I tried pushing him away and it worked after a while, but then I sensed he was kinda upset too because he hates it when I do that hahaha he has this irrational need to always make sure I go to bed happy and he has managed to ensure this for the past (a little over) 7 months. But yesterday I was just so lazy to type it all out and I didn't quite know what I wanted to say, and then suddenly my phone rang and there he was, in his soothing tone asking me whats going on. Asking me, and not demanding to know because he always says he's not entitled to, and its a privilege if i tell him....but he's not entitled and i'm grateful for that.

And then... slowly i began to talk. About how michael bridge pissed me off, about new conversations I'd been having, about how i felt bad about skipping mass, about how I just felt like i was going through the motions without feeling things, about how when my friends send me long texts updating me or wtv i take forever to reply now because I just don't really feel like it. And he helped me understand everything, we broke down every situation and talked through it and it didn't even tire me. It ended up being me just being curious as to why I felt that way and what I should do about it.

And at the end of the phone call - i was falling asleep lol, I felt better. For the first time after such bouts, I had someone else make me feel better rather than having to pick it all apart myself or just push it under a rug.

Sigh, him being so busy had been making me pretty sad but at the end of the day, I know I matter the most to him, and that's all that really matters to me.

Happy 4th Monthsary my love. like you said - 'it's the 4th month of a relationship that'll last forever' HAHAHA cheese ball.

nights of insecurities. 

currently at the Yusoff Ishak study room trying to get some work done while Andrew plays squash in hall. 

A: "yeah clearly she's obsessed with him"
M: "hey! I'm obsessed with you :/"
A (+ happy tone): "oh thats okay :) :) :)"