when i sort of found out on saturday, i must admit it sort of crushed me.

thoughts swirled into my head, insecurities attacked me and i questioned my abilities.

i cried. curled into a ball, and wished that maybe for once, things would go my way.

mum and dad tried to console me, but i just felt that i had disappointed them. disappointed the people who believed in me. the shame of having to tell people, and the pity in their eyes. i wondered and wondered if i was cut out for this. maybe i'm just not good enough, and then i began to ask myself 'how dare i even have dreamt it when i knew, i knew i wasn't good enough'. and it broke my heart. it did. for someone who's always sought perfection, for things to go my way, and having things go their own way instead, made my throat feel dry and my stomach curl into a knot.

then, i began to stop crying, took a bathe and talked things out. mum reminded me that in the beginning i had always told them and myself, that if it was meant to be, it will be and that i would still try. and i did. i tried, i made it to the interview, and i think that many people would have liked that opportunity. on hindsight, my prelim grades were far from spectacular and they probably have applicants with straight As considering that the college i applied to was a top one. i was in a very fragile state the rest of the evening and i attempted to take my mind off it and i thought that i was over it. mummy was happy of course because she had longed for me to go to NUS instead. Also, I saw it as a message to stay here, and take care of grandma.

on Sunday, i went to church. went to the adoration room, prayed and basically promised that i would accept this as God's plan. then i went into mass. and i felt it again - the disappointment. tears welled up in my eyes, and i felt like i couldn't breathe. i know daddy saw, but he knew better than to say anything that would trigger the downfall that was going to happen. i sucked it up, and dad brought me out for some retail therapy. i must admit, there were times when i felt that the world was against me. WHY don't i ever get what i want? and i spent the past two days thinking.

and i realised that what i wanted, it just wasn't good enough. and all my life, God had planned something better. i may not have realised it, but now, looking back, everything does happen for a reason.

i wanted to go to RJ when i was in sec 1, but i couldn't as i didn't have higher MT. but instead, i went to VJ and grew as a person, met an amazing class and thoroughly enjoyed my 2 years.

i wanted to be the president of my council in sec 4, but i didn't get it. instead, i learnt true leadership is regardless of post and that despite whatever position you may have, you can still be the strength, and as Troy puts it - the playmaker.

i wanted to get 6 points for Os. but if i did, i would have considered going to the science stream of taking hybrid- killing myself learning science when i am clearly not cut out for it.

i wanted the humanities scholarship. but if i did get it, perhaps i would not have put in so much to my studies to prove that i was worthy. or perhaps, more worthy.

etc etc etc.

clearly, things did turn out for the better.

today as i opened the letter from Cambridge, i felt an odd sense of peace. i stood in front of my altar and read the letter. i know that what has happened is for the best and though it may hurt sometimes, there is always a rainbow after the rain. chrissy called me immediately and i could hear the sadness in her voice. but she told me that i had deserved to get in, and that was enough. to know that still, people believe in me. and chech said, 'if they didn't take YOU in, who the **** did they take in???'. though i tend to disagree with the latter haha, it warmed my heart. and this is what will make me stronger. truth be told, i don't regret applying. the interview etc made me realise how deep my passion for law is and that perhaps i truly am capable. this will not get me down.

this is an especially hard time. grandma's getting worse. and at this point, i'm just so lost. i've decided to trust god and trust fate. for now, i'll just be the best daughter, sister, granddaughter and friend that i can be. and one year from now, i look forward to looking back and thinking 'thank goodness Cambridge did not accept me'.