today, Ivor was talking about how he had to attend a wake. When I found out who it was for, I felt a deep pain. No, i did not know her. but my ability to remember names and faces, made me atleast recognise her as Eri's very pretty best friend. I has first noticed her in J1 on eri and louisa's FB and thought to myself; 'wow, she must have it all'. But now, i know she didn't because last june, she was diagnosed with brain cancer and within 7 short months and months of treatment overseas, she passed away.

This left me very emotional the whole of today. just thinking about how eri must be feeling made me start forming parallels in my life. and the first thought scared the life outta me 'what if it was chrissy?' and then the downward spiral - 'what if it were lis? or court? or jess? or mao? or gen? or kenny? or syl? or etc you get the picture. and my heart just broke. because i knew, that i would not be able to handle it. all my life, i've had a fairly reliable safety net of friends whom i knew would be there for me. it honestly had never occured to me that this safety could possibly be torn apart by something that i would not be able to control or stop. I'd give anything for the people I love (well other than breaking the law haha). And as tears flooded my eyes whilst i sat in an office full of people who perhaps still lived in the oblivion i had until this morning.

Then i felt horrible. horrible for ever feeling ungrateful for my life - wishing i the one B i had for A's was an A instead ( i mean COME ON, SRZLY?!), wishing that i was prettier, wishing i had more clothes etc. WTH WAS I THINKING. are these my worries when others out there live worrying if they will be alive tomorrow or if their best friend would be alive tomorrow. I guess you never really know what someone is going through, but the least you could do is be aware.

Then i began to read her FB and the posts that everyone had been writing on her wall. She sounded like an amazing person. a 'lady of all traits' one called her. she touched lives and warmed hearts. I then realised that perhaps she had fulfilled her purpose in this world, and that's why God decided to bring her back to Him. it provided some sort of understanding as to why God would wrench an 18 year old girl from her parents, her 5 siblings, her boyfriend, her best friends and the rest who loved her.

I'm always going to remember this. perhaps the bearing of it would decrease as time fades for she wasn't a personal friend of mine. but what will remain is the important message that she left behind for me; a girl who never knew her. and in some indirect, weird way, she has touched my life too - because instead of complaining abt the lack of sleep I got or how my hair looks and other trivial girl problems, I'm going to give thanks instead for the gift of life. and remember those who wish they had one more day to complain about their hair or clothes. I'm going to try to be better; a better person. No, not in the hopes of having more people post on my FB when I pass on, but in the hopes that when I do pass on, I'll pass on in peace.