when i first found out, i remember the shock and the sadness. i remember thinking to myself, 'how could i not have noticed?'. i sat next to you, yet i didn't realise that you skipping lunch or bringing salad to school all the time wasn't because you weren't hungry, it was you forcing yourself not to be. and all the times you slept in class or just stared into space, weren't because you were up watching shows - you were up trying to deal with issues that i don't think i'd have been strong enough to deal with. then, i began to pay more attention. i'd help you out in class, i'd always try my best to offer you some of my food and i think i still do that till today - pretend i couldn't finish just so you'd have some and put some food into your body.

when JC tore us apart, it was hard being there for you. you're not the kind who always reaches out, and i didn't have the time or energy. but never did i ever forget. and when i heard of you fainting, or when i saw pictures of you looking so so impossibly skinny, i'd spend days worrying and wondering about what i could do. honestly, it scared the shit out of me. knowing that you mustve been struggling so much, and i couldn't do anything but send you a comforting message. as people updated me more and more about the situation, i found myself feeling angry both with myself and with you. why would you do this to yourself? couldn't you see how much you were hurting everyone around you? how everyone knew about your pain and suffered just as you did. its worse yknow, seeing someone you care about suffer and torture her body but not eating. watching you has led me to have such a paranoia now, when i see girls lose lots of weight in a short period of time, and it still scares me. i asked my cousin outrightly that day; 'are you anorexic', because i feared that the same thing was happening to her.

now, you're in hospital for treatment, and i hope you're getting better. i'm sorry that i took the easy way out and didn't try harder to be there for you. I'm going to make it up to you i promise. i'll help you be stronger and i'll do everything i can to make sure that what we shared with each other about our dreams, would come true for you just as mine are starting to come true for me.