but now, the compartmentalization's turning into denial. grandma has deteriorated. I guess not being able to visit her frequently in the hospital because of exams etc has led me to believe that everything's okay for now, and i could just put it away - minimalize my involvement through asking my parents how she was doing and giving myself bits of false hope by making sure she was still eating. Eating. that's the sign of the last few weeks. when she stops eating. And i pray she'll continue to have an appetite. because when she stops that, my worry will turn into fear. 

going to the hospital after my paper today was painful. i was in such a good mood, happy that my paper was do-able, laughing in mortification because the parents decided to wait for me at the Summit, in plain sight of all my friends -.-", and then i went to see her. and my heart wrenched. she's shrunken in size and she was just lying down on the bed. the worst part is that she couldn't speak. it's almost like she wasn't there. just watching the movements of the people around her. she was in pain. pain not physically but emotionally. i know that because she's such a strong person - you've got to be if you've had to battle cancer for 10 years. the doctors were amazed at how she pulled through, and her mental resilience. What killed me was the fact that she couldn't speak. Grandma's voice is resounding. the type that you need to turn around and check that other people don't hear, and frankly it could be quite embarrassing sometimes. I'd do anything to hear her speak like that again, hear her say anything no matter how embarrassing because it'd be an indication that she's still herself. 

i know that you shouldn't cry in front of someone sick etc but today i couldn't hold it in. as i stood by her bedside i couldn't stop the tears and she saw. all she could do was look at me as i stood there crying like a fool when she's the person who's suffering. Daddy told me that i need to get past it, but he doesn't understand that death is something i simply cannot deal with. having people leave me is too difficult to bear. i want to sit by her after my contract paper, but i can't imagine myself do anything but cry. i'm an emotional mess. all mum has to do is mention her and tears can start welling up. 

even going to florida's making me feel guilty about the 2 weeks i'll miss out on her. but i know my parents need the break. I just pray that she'll hold out, and that God will give me the chance to say a proper goodbye and spend an ample amount of time with her. Though the past years have not been easy, and family conflict is never one that's easy to deal with, i was certain of one thing and one thing alone - that she loves me. and today as she gripped my hand and leaned up to kiss my cheek, it was a reminder that regardless of her state, her love for me would never change.

okay i need to stop crying. my eyes are going to be swollen in mass tomorrow,sigh. but i needed to get this out. i can't talk about it, because i know that im putting people in an awkward position - like 'oh hopefully she gets better' or 'i'm sorry mars'. i know everyone means well, but i can't help but feel that talking about it is like a burden for the other person. i don't know. 

now that i've gotten this out, i need to concentrate on my next paper on saturday. this week, instead of thinking about her present self, i'll just think about her voice telling me to 'study hard' and that she's sure  i'll do very very well. i know she's not going to see me graduate from law school, even though she said before she hoped she would. I'm going graduate for her, and not just for myself. And i'd be damn sure to make her proud.